March 23, 2011

i don't like to complain...

...But sometimes you have to get things off your chest.

It was May 2006.  Jimmy and I had been together for 7 years and married for 2 of those.  We just bought our house and decided that we wanted to have a baby.  We wanted to create a human life together and so that we would have someone to play with.  January 6, 2007 I find out I am pregnant.  We are both ecstatic.  My pregnancy was one of the easiest in history.  Seriously I would be pregnant a hundred times if I didn't have to deal with the end result.  Around the 7th month is when everyone, ok mainly my bosses, starting asking if I was planning on coming back to work after I had the baby.  My answer was always "Of course I am." 

Um what the hell was I thinking?  Actually I will tell you what I was thinking...nothing.  When we decided to have a baby I don't remember thinking about who would watch the baby or any of that, just that I would go back to work and we would eventually figure it out.  Were we going to put her in daycare after she got a little older and hoping that the grandparents would watch her until then?  Hello Ashley, you know babies don't take care of themselves.  But I really don't remember.  At least the grandparents agreed to keep her while we work.  I knew exactly what to expect with a newborn at home while I was on maternity leave and it was a breeze but I had no idea what was in store when I went back to work full time.

Crying.  Lots of crying everyday for 2 weeks. 

How was I to know that this little person that lived inside of me for 35 weeks and that I had only met 7 weeks before would have such a huge effect on me?  I couldn't believe how much I missed her.  Plus working 55 hours that 1st week back while having a 7 week old that still only slept 3-4 hours a night didn't help much either.  

I also didn't think about how it would effect my duties as a wife. There just aren't enough freaking hours in the day to do all the sh*t that needs to get done and get enough sleep at night!  Yeah I know, that's life but whatever.  Jimmy keeps telling me it's only going to get harder, not easier.  Great.  Why didn't we save more of that money we were making before we had her so maybe I didn't have to work so much?  That's right, we did save money so we could buy our house!  I would love more than anything to cook a great dinner for my family every night instead of eating frozen or instant meals.  I actually like cooking (Jimmy thinks I hate it but I don't).  We just don't have time to prepare anything else during the week and I don't do well rushing while cooking.  Then there is the house cleaning and laundry which I try not to have too much to do on the weekends because we like to play...and cook normal food.  At least I don't have to cut down a tree in order to wash my clothes.

So we get up, I drop Kiera off with whoever she is spending the day with, go to work, pick Kiera up, get home at 5:30-6, someone fixes dinner, do "_____",  Kiera to bed at 9 and us to bed at 10 'cause we gotta get up early for work the next morning repeat all over again.  
I know I can't do it all by myself and I don't, Jimmy helps a lot but I still beat myself up about it.

I want to be able to take care of my family and do it all.  It must be that stupid female motherly instinct kickin' in. 

And I already know there are plenty of other people that go through all the same stuff too.  

I am not the only one.

And I would NEVER take a single thing back.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ashely- Hang in there! I may not have a kid, but all of the stuff runs through my head constantly about what they heck we are going to do when we have one! I have been seriously thinking about selling Monavie. Think about it you don't have to host all of those parties like you do with Pampered Chef, Mary Kay and all those other ones. You just have to know people to sell it to (the catch). In my head if I can just make a little more money to help pay off school loans maybe life would be easier when we have a kid?

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