the birthday that wasn't

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about a baby shower I was recently for a coworker from the bakery.  Another bakery coworker was there with her daughter who I believe is now 13.  She has grown up so much in the last 2 years since I saw her last and I commented to her mom that she looks just like her dad (who is pretty cute).  She glanced over at her mom with a look like "Great, I look like my dad" to which her mom said "There is nothing wrong with looking like Daddy".  She is completely right.  The morning after Kiera was born when I walked up to her in the NICU I was so happy to see she looked just like Jimmy.

Then that got me to thinking about my friends shower and her baby that was born at 32 weeks (tomorrow is his 2 week mark of being home after a 6 week hospital stay!) and Kiera was born at 35 and the struggles of having a preemie.   Here are some thoughts I had that day and the next following weeks.

The day my water broke I knew she was going to be here early and I would have to leave the hospital without her, but I was not afraid that she wouldn't be OK. 

I was never afraid of my ability to care for her.  A nurse even commented on how well I did, how I wasn't afraid to hold her and already knew how to change her diaper, etc.  I told her I grew up babysitting kids and babies so this was all a walk in the park.

I had Kiera at 10:43 pm and it was way past my bedtime.  After I was placed in my room and was settled I told Jimmy he could go home to sleep.  He was going to be useless to me otherwise.  Actually he never stayed a full night in the hospital.  I passed out for 2 hours and was wide awake after that (and didn't go back to sleep for 24 hours).  I couldn't get a nurse in to take me to see Kiera and I couldn't completely feel my legs yet so I wasn't walk myself and trying to use a wheelchair was out of the question.  Hello...I just pushed for 2 hours I don't need any more exercise thankyouverymuch.  The nurse made a comment about "the husband is usually here to take the mom's to the NICU."  Well if you knew my sleepy husband you wouldn't have made that comment beyotch.  I was able to walk myself down at 7 am at which one of my close friends showed up at that time and we saw her together. 

When I walked into the NICU I had no idea which bed she was in but the second I saw the top of her head I just knew it was her.  Weirdest thing ever.

The day I was scheduled to go home was a very emotional day.  I cried all.day.long.  There was an intern that came into check on me and and asked how I was.  I was of course crying and told him I was so sad because I had to leave my baby behind.  He told that she would be fine and there are other babies that would not leave the hospital.  I could not believe he actually said that to me.  It did not make me feel any better.  My baby is the only one that mattered.  I have friends who have since had  miscarriages and still borns and my heart breaks for them but I just couldn't bring myself to care for any strangers going through loss of a baby at the time. 

Later that day my doctor came in and told me I could stay an extra day if I wanted.  I told her it would only prolong the pain so I might as well get it over with and go home that evening. 

The one week mark of Kiera being in the hospital was a bad day.  I spent 12+ hours straight at the hospital holding her, crying.  When I was kicked out for rotation I cried walking to the cafeteria, I cried walking back.  I cried and cried and cried.  A nurse asked if I felt I had postpartum depression.  Um no.  I am sad.  I held Kiera all day long.  Hugged her and kissed her.  Blew in her face so she would scrunch it up and pucker her lips because it made me laugh.  I have a video of this but it's pretty long (and boring to anyone but me). 

Then I started to think about an "Attributes" game everyone played at my baby shower where they tried to guess what Jimmy and I would like Kiera to have from each one of us like eyes, legs, nose, creativity, smarts, etc.  Now that she is older I can think back to what we said and what the outcome is.  We would have been happy regardless. 

And today was supposed to be her birthday.  Well it was my due date.  I thought it was funny how I was deep in thought about her birth story on the day I was due with her.  Her showing up 5 weeks early tells A LOT about her personality. 

I also think that her showing up early and having to stay in the hospital while I left her behind was preparing me to let go of her more easily down the road.  It really never is easy to let your child stay overnight somewhere, go to school, go on a date, move out.  It would be soooo easy to keep her to myself and watch her every single move she make but that is not healthy for her or for me. 

So thanks for busting your way out early Kiera.  I wouldn't have have had you any other way.