January 31, 2011

Rough Times

Lately I have been having a pretty rough time.  Ok I have been having a rough time ever since I went back to work after having Kiera, but the last 6 months have really been wearing on me.  Like seriously wearing on me.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night alot and laying awake for hours, sometimes not even going back to sleep.  I am always tired.  Deep down I am not happy and I so badly want to be.  

 When we had Kiera I was working at Merritt's Bakery as a cake decorator.   Jimmy lost his job while I was still on maternity leave.  What kind of jerk terminates employment when they have a newborn baby at home?!  After that we realized my time was up and I needed to go back to work, because you know your job is the last thing you think of when you are at home with your baby.  I took off 7 weeks, 2 of which she was in the NICU.  My first week back I worked like 54 hours.  I cried every day for 2 weeks because I was exhausted since Kiera wasn't sleeping through the night yet and I missed her!  One of my bosses asked me how I was doing when she was around 4 months old and I told him it was really tough leaving her every day.  He said to me "It never gets any easier, you just get used to it."  He understands, he has 4 of his own.  

In July of 2009 I decided I changed jobs after working at Merrit's for over 8 years.  The crazy hours of being a decorator were wearing on me and I wanted to be able to spend the weekends with my family.  Now the great thing about being a decorator in the slow season is during Mon-Wed it's normal to work 6am to anywhere from 10am-1pm.  Having all those afternoons off were great.  Working 12-16 hours on Friday and Saturday, not so great.  So at my newish job I work Mon-Fri 8a-4:30-5p.  

Of course I have the lovely mom brain where it really doesn't  function half the time.  Poor Jimmy has to deal with it.  It annoys me and I know how much it drives him crazy.  I think it will be great fun when Kiera starts PreK in the fall  and I have to get her AND myself ready to go along with everything else.  Don't get me wrong, Jimmy helps me with stuff but I am the one to get her ready and do baths and all that since she is a girl.  I do plan on taking her to school every morning, and I will have to adjust my work schedule but I doubt it will be a problem.  Still it's tough.        

I am not the type of person to be a stay at home mom, which I think is pointless with one child, but I really really want to work part time and I hope one of these days I will be able to.  I know there are some mom's that do have one child and stay at home which is great for them but I don't need that.  I'm not doing my best and I need to be.   

Well enough about my ranting.  I thought I would explain why I was such a poopie head on Friday's post.

Note:   A year ago I lost 12lbs.  But I have gained back the 12+8, so that adds to my frustraion.  Can't wait to get my bike fixed!!

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